Monday, June 13, 2011

The Evolution of a Bad Deal

As women, when we grow up we start to realize what a bad deal we get in life. It goes something like this.

As a young kid we are basically androgynous, and can do anything boys can do (the more politically correct among us will say that this doesn't change. I disagree). As we approach puberty, these strange fleshy things start growing out of our chest, and it hurts a lot when a soccer ball or something slams into them.

What?? Are you kidding me? This is a bad deal! Is it too late to switch to the other gender?

Just when you think "okay, I think I can live with these strange things", your mom tells you at some point in the next few years you will start to bleed out of a very personal area for a week out of every month. No kidding.

What?? Are you kidding me? This is a horrible deal! Is it too late to switch??

So you learn to deal with the bleeding thing (no choice, actually), but then in high school you learn that the strange bleeding occurrence means you can get pregnant. Yup, you get stuck with carrying this huge parasite around, and after nine months it will messily and painfully squirm out of your birth canal. What a fabulous deal, I'm so glad I'm a woman.

You must be pulling my leg. No deal is as bad as this one. Is it too late to switch?

Finally, after the boobs, the bleeding, the birth, doctors tell you about menopause. Just when you've learned to deal with all of this nonsense, someone tells you it is all going to go in reverse.

I give up. Someone pass the hormones and botox.

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